We get lots more letters

ponymail

As NaBloPoMo begins (which I’m not saying for sure that I’ll be able to do, but we’ll give it the old college try anyway), we find our filter choked with comments from dubious sources far and wide looking once again for their moment in the sun.  It’s tough when you’re a famous writer, you know, and you get deluged with all this fan mail.  So we do our best to try and answer as many as we can.  To wit:

“Hostgator Review” whines:

Hmm is anyone else encountering problems with the pictures on this blog loading? I’m trying to figure out if its a problem on my end or if it’s the blog.  Any responses would be greatly appreciated.

No, it’s you, you passive-aggressive base assemblage of hacker-vomited, barely literate code that isn’t worthy to wipe the spare digits of a broken copy of Pong.  Was that the response you were expecting to greatly appreciate?

An overseas guest!  From “Super Slim Green Lean Body”:

Hi I am from Australia, this time I am watching this cooking related video at this website, I am truly glad and learning more from it. Thanks for sharing.

G’day, mate!  Throwin’ a few shrimp on the barbie, are yer?  Let me be the first to congratulate you on your weight loss!  I’m glad to hear that you’re super slim and lean now.  Though if you are turning green you should probably cut back on the chlorophyll-laden energy drinks.  Just sayin’, when you sprout leaves it’s time to stop juicing.

“Landlord Insurance Quotes” offers:

It will let you replace the items and for this purpose you pay a monthly seet premum too the insurance provier you take the policy out using. Property management pertains to the processes applied to maximize returns by effectkve administration of property — one of the major assets of most organizations. As he said in his inaugural address ‘I came to California with nothing, and California has given me everything’.

That’s what I’ve been doing wrong!  Sheesh.  I figured I was getting hosed on my monthly seet premium.  Between that and the biannual fronk charge you’ve no idea the dent it’s put in my cash flow.  But I have to be honest, I’ve put in several requests to California now and I never get a reply.  Lousy, stingy, miserly state, or as I call it, “Scroogifornia.”  Can’t be bothered to help out a poor blogger who can actually pronounce “California” properly.

“Wayfair Coupon” tickles our tastebuds thus:

Today we’re gonna be using sugar, I’m actually gonna be using sugar, I’m actually gonna be using wayfair venture capital sugar, I’m actually gonna be using sugar, I’m actually gonna be using Agave nectar, or syrup. Just like that We want to incorporate everything but not mix the hell out of here and never come back if I did that. But I’m just going tto rub and just smooth that over the top, just like that.

I gotta be honest, you’re getting me a little flushed with that last line about rubbing and smoothing.  Hoo boy, is it hot in here?  To your main point, the problem with Wayfair Venture Capital sugar is that Wayfair’s been on a losing streak ever since they decided to put most of their assets in horse & buggy futures, against the prevailing market trends.  The recession of 2008 didn’t help matters with the collapse of Consolidated Buggy Manufacturers Inc. (NYSE: CBMI) when they failed to repay their loan guarantees.  Several of the main investors did indeed mix the hell out of there and never come back.  So thanks but I think I’ll continue backing International Spats because they are definitely due for a resurgence in popularity.  I’m wearing a pair right now.

“Ninja Blender Vs. Vitamix” (my favorite Street Fighter battle) weighs in:

What i don’t realize is if truth be told how you are not actually much more neatly-preferred than you might be right now. You are so intelligent. You already know thus considerably relating to this matter, produced me in my opinion believe it from numerous numerous angles. Its like women and men don’t seem to be interested except itˇs something to accomplish with Lady gaga! Your personal stuffs nice. All the time deal with it up!

Hey, anytime I can accomplish something with Lady Gaga I’m all over it.  I do it for the applause, applause, applause.  And I’m always striving to be more neatly-preferred, from all numerous numerous angles.  “All the time deal with it up!” is so going to be my catchphrase from now on.  Thanks for writing and good luck – I’m wagering on Vitamix to take it in the fourth round by eighteen, though you never can be too careful around a Cuisinart that has ninja training.

“Longbeach” has this to say:

So what we’re going to add some white vinegar. Now, don’t panic; we’re not going to take our marinade and I’m justt going to give this a go on Valentine’s day because it’s going to lend you slme loving.  So were just gonna start this up and let’s get stuck into one of these little gadgets you can just use some dried bread crumbs and chop up our herbs nice and fine. And now we can serve this bad boy up and let’s get stuck into one oof these griddle pans for inside cooking.

It’s taken your touching half-recipe to make me realize that what was missing from my life was slime loving.  It’s tough out here for a guy when you realize that all the best pieces of ooze are taken, and the muck and goop that are left are gelatinous masses of filth you wouldn’t touch with somebody else’s.  Quite frankly though, what you want to stick into little gadgets is your own private business and shouldn’t be shared on a public site like this – there may be children reading, won’t someone please think of the children?!

Finally, from “Insurance Landlords,” who may be the unmarried cousin of “Landlord Insurance Quotes”:

There is quite an impressionable difference between those who simply wait tables and those who take pride in providing excellent food service to their customers. All major banks and wilding societies offer a comprehensive range oof personal financial services be-ond simple bank accounts. Theey can, and do, force payment through credit collectores and lawsuits, which can stay with yyou for a long time to come.

I knew a professional waitress whom I used to work out with, and I can say she was definitely the latter, and certainly impressive, though unfortunately dating someone else at the time.  I am intrigued though by this wilding society that offers such comprehensive financial perks.  I gather it’s something like a Lord of the Flies-type setup where currency is human skulls, and retirement planning consists mainly of trying to avoid being eaten until retirement.  One wonders though what use lawyers would be in such an arrangement, if we would not be best disposed under that system to take a suggestion from The Merchant of Venice, as a statement of claim isn’t going to protect you from savages with clubs coming for your liver.  Regardless, good food for thought, pardon the pun.  Thanks for writing!

And so we beat on, boats against the current of nonsense, borne ceaselessly back into the mess.  All the time deal with it up!

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One thought on “We get lots more letters”

  1. I personally think that it be mandatory for those who leave comments on any site that they should be able to Read, Speak, Write and spell the English language. (Note I said English, not Yankee)

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