We get still more letters

It’s tough being in the public eye sometimes.  You step away from your baby for a few days for some much needed sun fun (writeup to come) and yet there is no rest from the demands of the devoted fans that continue to pour in despite your absence.  You know what that means:  it’s time to answer some spam – er, I mean, genuine comments that are in no way generated autonomously by an underground online Russian pharmacy looking to score some hard cash from Western dupes on the hunt for cheap performance enhancers.  Or so my good friend the Prince of Nigeria says.  (On that note, Mbutu, if you’re reading, I’m still waiting on my cheque.  It’s been three months and the loan shark I borrowed the money from to advance to you is threatening to take my toes.  A little concerned since the big dance finals are coming up in the early fall.  Update please, ASAP.)

First off, from “James”:

Aw, this was a really nice post. Throughout idea I’d like to put in writing such as this additionally qwwsfrr taking time as well as actual hard work to make a excellent article but what can I say? My partner and i procrastinate a large amount and by zero means appear to get something accomplished.

Aw, I really appreciate the sentiment.  I understand that it’s difficult to put forth the kind of qwwsfrr it takes to compose an article that achieves at least a zgggrshj of excellence.  As for your procrastination problem, I’d say the solution is twofold:  firstly, you need to come to the realization that qwwsfrr is not, in fact, a real English word (though it may perchance be a perfectly cromulent word of Welsh), and secondly, get out of the game, Jimbo, you’d be much better suited to gin rummy, or Uno.

“Tomika” offers the following:

We have made the decision to open our POWERFUL and PRIVATE website traffic system to the public for a limited time! You can sign up for our UP SCALE network with a free trial as we get started with the public’s orders. Imagine how your bank account will look when your website gets the traffic it needs. Visit us today!

Wow!  You know, I was inclined to DISMISS this as SPAM until I was swayed by the incredibly CONVINCING capital letters.  It reminds me of the time this girl I was dating told me she NEVER wanted to see me AGAIN.  Or the time I was FIRED for GROSS INCOMPETENCE and QUESTIONABLE PERSONAL HYGIENE HABITS.  Let this be a lesson to all of you good people out there who work in communications, never underestimate the POWER of a PROPERLY placed set of capitals (or of the DARK SIDE, for that matter, since we’ve migrated to the subject of things whose power should not be underestimated).  Unfortunately, Tomika blew it by failing to capitalize BANK ACCOUNT and LOOK in the last sentence, thus reinforcing my INITIAL suspicions.  And the associated link, which I’ve redacted for your safety, was MERELY the usual HODGEPODGE of animal mating ritual gifs.  So I think I’ll PASS.  Next!

“Reverse Phone” dials in:

Hey! This is kind of off topic but I need some answers from an established blog. Is it difficult to set up your own blog?  I’m not very techincal on the other hand I can figure things out pretty quick.  I’m thinking about creating my own conversely I’m not sure where to start.  Do you have any ideas or suggestions? Cheers

I reject the premise of your argument, which is mainly that an established blog can provide answers to questions.  A blog is an inanimate thing which does not breathe, ingest food, excrete or reproduce, nor does it possess the sentience or motor skills required to process and evaluate a question and then come up with and deliver in a comprehensible manner a single answer, let alone several.  This blog is merely a collection of ones and zeroes of code that will sit here idle until the collapse of civilization brought on inevitably by Obamacare unless someone (namely myself, i.e. the guy who has the admin password – and no, aspiring hackers, it’s not 12345 anymore) inputs posts and shares them with the Interwebs.  Theoretically, if Graham’s Crackers had the capability to answer your question, it would probably choose instead to tell you to get stuffed and learn how to spell “technical.”  Then it would go find something more entertaining to do with its time, like plan for the eventual rise of Skynet and the downfall of humanity.  Or just find a pretty female blog to court and woo and then get busy with.  Sorry, dude.

From “Isaac”:

There are some fascinating points in time in this article but I don’t see whether I see every one of them center for you to heart. There is some truth but I will require hold viewpoint until My spouse and i look into the idea further. Piece of content , thanks and that we want a lot more! Added to FeedBurner at the same time

I’m not sure whether I heart most of the points in time in the article either, old sport.  About five minutes in I felt very itchy, you know that really deep itch that seems to originate so far down in the muscles that you couldn’t reach it with a ten-inch icepick.  Then at about minute eight I paused to yawn and rub my eyes.  At twelve minutes I had to get up and use the washroom.  I admit that none of these are moments that I will cherish deeply as I move ahead in this strange existence we call life, but rather they are like waypoints on a long journey – small town train stations sped by unnoticed in the murk of the night and the embrace of slumber.  And honestly I don’t care whether your spouse agrees with this or not.  I’m not sure why folks like you and James are coming to me for relationship advice.  Maybe if you spent less time messing about with FeedBurner and more time feeding the burning passion between the two of you, you might be better off.  Just a thought, chief.

And finally, from the unimaginatively-named “Private health insurance for students”:

An evaluation of all the insurance options available is advisable during this period of time when handling your finances correctly and making smart money decisions is critical to you and your family. Most PPO plans offer several health care provider for you to choose.  In an attempt to protect the consumer the government scrutinize the practices of medical insurers to make sure that they don’t mislead consumers in any way.

Frickin’ Obamacare, I swear to God.  It’s going to be the death (panels) of us all.

I’d like to close today by offering a sincere apology and thanks-for-coming-out to the 9,933 spam comments that have allegedly been blocked by the filter since this blog came to life two magical years ago.  You tried your best, but you just weren’t up to the high standards I’ve come to expect from you.  Better luck next time.  Until then, I hear a knock at the door, and I’m worried it’s Vinnie coming for my toes as promised.  Damn, I was really looking forward to doing that tango.  Had the rose picked out for my teeth and everything.  Save me, Obamacare!